Privileged to feel discomfort.

I am typing away in the comfort of an apartment in San Francisco. It is afternoon and I have the luxury of stretching out on a couch transformed into a bed; with the drizzle from the clouds caressing the window panes. The fact that I had time to compose that sentence so poetically shows the surplus of time on my hand. I recognize the privilege I have but yet, I still feel the crawling itch of anxiety. And as such, I always turn to this blog - a therapeutic exercise that is mostly for me to self-evaluate.

Looking back, all that transpired in such a short period seem so surreal. I was settled in Vancouver, packed everything up over there, visited Singapore, and now looking to set roots in San Francisco all in a matter of 3 years. Through the goggles of a bystander watching me whizz through different parts of the world, I am referred to as being 'lucky'. And it is a description that I cannot deny; or rather one that I am not allowed to deny. Because to this outsider's point of view, I am fortunate enough to have the resources that help me convert my thought processes into reality. I have the solid and positive foundation in family and friends that gave me the boost that help me chase dreams. But the luck stops there. Because beyond luck is the unnerving decision to 'just go'; to take risks that I will always wonder about - the what ifs, the maybes, the why nots. I was born with the disease of wonderment; constantly questioning. And that has brought me to this couch in San Francisco.

I am now in a new place and my immediate instinct is to create a community that I can constantly surround myself with (read: hide myself in). However, this time, I am hoping to fight this instinct in order to grow. So I told myself that I will take this time to grow from within, to discover me, to find out what I truly feel when I am alone. And let me tell you this - the overwhelming feeling of restlessness is just the tip of the iceberg. I do have loved ones and friends here in San Francisco, so I am definitely not lonely. But, as weird as this sounds, I want to feel all the anxieties and regrets that bubble within me without the sound of television, radio, or conversations. So far, it has been a ton of feels. So much so that, only a short period of the day, I sit in complete silence, allowing the radio and/or Apple TV to distract me from my thoughts. Why does the right direction have to feel so uncomfortable? This article seems to help a little: - http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/12/16-uncomfortable-feelings-that-actually-indicate-youre-on-the-right-path/.

I am here also looking for a job, and as anyone who have relocated to look for jobs would know, that that experience fucking eats you up inside. There is a rush of energy that stems from being worried that makes me want to take up kickboxing, and then I realize that I have no money. Of course, well-intentioned people have patted my back and spoke words of encouragement; suggesting that, with my qualifications, I will most definitely get a job. But how the hell do they know that? I would definitely like to be referred to a study or research or person that can help me see the detailed reality of the situation. I wish I had the belief that others have in me. I really do. But when you have applied for a ton of jobs and feel your heart fall the way only rejections can impact you, it becomes a little discouraging. However, I did promise someone that I will approach this from a place of hope and excitement, so I shall attempt that with as much positivity as I can muster.

Maybe by getting more acquainted with my new environment, I will feel a renewed sense of hope; or maybe just distracted from my worry. I shall give it a shot. I mean I do not have much to lose, and I need to constantly remind myself that there are Syrian refugees who walk for days to lands so foreign to them, in order to escape death. So I should basically quit whining.

I don't really know why I am writing all of this here, but it just felt that I should write out my feelings before they start complicating my thoughts. Maybe I will have more, maybe this blog would help people like me in the future who are struggling with the feelings, maybe I can actually see that I am pretty lucky after all and I should stop complaining; we shall see. For now, I am going to look to Frasier to channel a sign from Mother Universe to help me chill the fuck out.