I haven't blogged in a while. This is is a really hard habit to keep. Makes me think, that we don't really talk to ourselves as much as we should. Well, bet ews I've had is that I'm only 19 lbs of excess fats. That's the part I need to get rid off. It was as a way lower amount that I envisioned When I first saw '30' next to the word 'fat', I immediately started to berate myself in my head. And then when the assessor explained it to me, I was both pleased and also ashamed. I am built differently yet I seek approval from a world that provides a narrow definition of beauty. I see this truth but accepting it has been a trial. I wear make up and I feel messy, I don't and I feel unworthy. It's strange. But I decided that I'm just gona look however I wish to and if that means that my damn eyeliner is smudged then so be it. I pick on myself that way I'd never want anyone to be picked on. I'm bullying myself.
This is all part of the journey for me. In my discovery of who I am, at every moment. Not a picture of me that neve changes but one that grows and falls and fails and wins. And to be me at any exact moment even if I change the very next moment.
I also got a potential internship offer in SF and as much as it seems like a good opportunity, I know that I should be responsible and focus on what I have here. It's going to be hard letting go of the opportunity but I need to in order for me to keep my focus to earn some money. Big picture is made up of tiny pixels and I first need to make sure I have at least the important bits to make the big picture happen.
And finally, I realized how much I've become an introvert. I love the friends I have but it still feels immensely lonely. And as much as I know people around me, in spirit and physically, shower me with varying degree of love, I feel that nobody could truly understand me. Or even if they do, they don't express it the way I do. Or just don't want to feel down so don't talk about it. It's a strange feeling. Like wanting to run in the desserts of Africa, or roam the busy streets of places I haven't heard of. Like being invisible. I always wondered how a homeless person begging on the street feel when everyone walks on by without even a glance. I feel alittle invisible despite being the loudest. Or maybe the intensity of my thoughts and feelings, do not match my general demeanor and hey are often misunderstood.
I thought about and I think I like to be alone. I want to share my feelings of loss and uncertainty and pain, and also happiness and triumps with myself. But to get the stage of being at peace with being alone, I need to make the transition through 'loneliness'. Nobody is ever going to fully feel the complexities of your emotions and thoughts entwined in a giant ball. And maybe that's how we are wires... messy and figuring it out with life.
We'll that is been the big news..now the challenge is to get my work going, my money coming in, and me figuring out where I want to go in life. For myself. Because we all have a journey and we all go on it alone. And by alone I have we have a support system without overly depending on it.
Because if I don't truly feel myself emotions and thoughts, I'm also going to want some else to feel them for me.
And that always ends up in a yearning so painful.
