A quick check revealed that my last post was in 2011; 4 years ago. A lot of happened since my last post but I am not going to bother writing it here, because, well... who reads my blog anyway. My aspirations of being a famous blogger has been a bust since Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram became the way to seek fame. Let us not mention, Vine, Facebook, Pinterest... Being famous online is a full time job, and let's face it, I am not cut out for it. I do have all the apps on my smart phone so Step 1 is kinda there. It's the being 'fun' part and committing to it - THAT is really hard work.
So why am I back? Frankly, because I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom and I need someone to listen. And after a long time, at the ripe 'old' age of 30, I have finally understood that that 'someone' should be me. I would have a paper (?) journal (a 'live' journal?) but my noncommittal nature refuses to give it more than two days worth of entries. Besides, thanks to grad school, I've learnt to type as fast as I speak. But wait, let us go back to the 'noncommital' part.
I have a huge issue with committing to things, and I suspect I am not the only one. Whether it's financial plan, time management, studying, or anything that creates a life for any human being. I give up so easily and, then, reminisce about the little wins and cringe at the myriad of regrets. I mean, I cannot even commit to eating right. All those fitness gurus are talking about awareness, and as a former mental skills trainer, I understand that awareness is key. But when that half a roasted chicken over bread soaked in chicken juice was placed in front of me, I , with a bountiful amount of awareness and regret, coupled with eloquent excuses, gobbled the fucking the thing up. I needed a damn painful bleeding gum to stop me from eating my shame. The best fad diet for me would be to have a clip at different parts of my body that will pinch itself if I even decide on that ice cream while trying to button my jeans, to avoid my tummy's great escape. Don't get me wrong, I am not upset about the weight. I am upset about my lack of discipline and control and all the other synonyms of those words that are just letters, and hold little meaning to me. That lack of control, and the rationalisation process (that constantly urges me to reconsider a career in law) that accompanies it ,is my problem. This blog is going to help me hold myself accountable. Basically, help me get a grip.
So where am I now?
I am sitting here in my dungeon of a room with cardboard walls keeping me from the infestation of rats and other 'friends' that summer brings. Ok let me be honest, I am privileged and my room is a castle to some, but I am at rock bottom and everything looks a little darker to me now.
Due to generous nature and my love for all things that I cannot afford, my bank balance is losing weight faster than I am gaining mine. I am 30 years old, and as someone who is well pass her cultural 'marriageable' age, I should at least be making my own dough (cheese? cheddar?). But no. I decided to head back to grad school, and thus, rip my poor retiring parents of what could be their World Tour. I feel incredible horrible and get panic attacks thinking about it. My parents are amazing, and that just adds to it. I've spent beyond my means and now sitting in my room, uncertain if I'll be completing my graduate program. But I have my job, and my awareness, and hopefully another job. And of course, thank the Canadian Government for tax money.
Thus, No. 1 Getting financial dry.
I've already given you a picture of my feelings about my concerns with health.
So, No. 2 Clogging heart
No. 3 Straying from the plan.
This simple sentence creates the foundation of my problem. Some of the things I do that distracts me from my plans. Plans that I am proud of. Plans that have their own excel sheets and colour coded legends. Plans that area worth nothing without action. A simple example would be how yesterday I went to bed committed to be up at 6 am to go to gym. Simple? Not according to my smartphone which seems to seek constant validation from me. I wake up and spend the first two hours of my day checking out other people's accomplishments and building sandcastles too close to water. Also, if anyone liked my photos, because that is sooooo important to my self-esteem.
I am a teenager. 30 going back to 13.
So these are my issues. Don't worry, I'm not focusing too much on my negatives. My problem is that I focused too much on my positives and refused to move a muscle of any kind, to work on the areas of improvement.
This blog is my therapy. My way of slapping my self with the cold hard hand of reality. I need to wake up from my slump or all that I aspire for and worked hard for will tumble to the ground. I admit that I will slip at times and possibly stumble into the ice cream aisle of Safeway. But I will resist. Because, I am watching and reading and typing and learning about myself.
So let us begin.
('us' in this case probably means my ID, EGO and SUPEREGO)
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