Coffee for one

Today I sat at Starbucks alone sipping on a tall Caramel Macchiato and savoring an slice of banana bread. This is an achievement for me.  I've always thought of myself as an extremely social creature who can be alone if she wants, but then who wants to especially when you have all these friends.  Phew, that was a long sentence.  But it helps distract me from the real issue at hand - the fact that I am not comfortable enough with my mind to spend time with myself. And lately I've been doing that with considerable amount of success; although in the beginnig I did get literal panic attacks when I realize my phone battery is too low for music & the sounds of the real world need to accompany me. I always needed to escape myself and my surrounding.  But today, for the most part of it, I drank my sweet milky coffee goodness and listened to the world. I even struck up a conversation with a fellow Starbucks supporter. Side note: I should get a Starbucks card to officially enter the cult.

I didn't exercise today but I ate moderately. My dress pants size shuffles between a 6 & a 8 depending on the cut, which still astonishes me. The sweet surprise to is not all about the weight loss but the achievement I felt as I becamd more of my body. It's a process that changes with time and space. The process of listening to my body, together with listening to my thoughts. Basically truly embracing me as I am, in the space I am. It's an ideal but it'll be nice to work towards it. Today, I also spent my day without makeup. This make up anxiety might seem ridiculous to many by when you are taught very young 'to put powder and be a lady', it become very important to be pleasing to the eye of others. This fear I have continues to irk me but its a journey of self acceptance. Also when talking about exercise, my new job has alot of walking and stair climbing packed into it, so hopefully some kind of cardio going in there.

I have this job and although it's not a career, I think it's time I stopped flaking on my commitments. I tend to that - be flimsy in my resolution to do things. I'm not going to do that any more. These are the moments that make up life so I cannot skip them just cause 'I don't feel like it'.

Hopefully, in the coming days, I can figure out what I can do as the big volunteer project.

For now,
Ju. out!