Coffee for one

Today I sat at Starbucks alone sipping on a tall Caramel Macchiato and savoring an slice of banana bread. This is an achievement for me.  I've always thought of myself as an extremely social creature who can be alone if she wants, but then who wants to especially when you have all these friends.  Phew, that was a long sentence.  But it helps distract me from the real issue at hand - the fact that I am not comfortable enough with my mind to spend time with myself. And lately I've been doing that with considerable amount of success; although in the beginnig I did get literal panic attacks when I realize my phone battery is too low for music & the sounds of the real world need to accompany me. I always needed to escape myself and my surrounding.  But today, for the most part of it, I drank my sweet milky coffee goodness and listened to the world. I even struck up a conversation with a fellow Starbucks supporter. Side note: I should get a Starbucks card to officially enter the cult.

I didn't exercise today but I ate moderately. My dress pants size shuffles between a 6 & a 8 depending on the cut, which still astonishes me. The sweet surprise to is not all about the weight loss but the achievement I felt as I becamd more of my body. It's a process that changes with time and space. The process of listening to my body, together with listening to my thoughts. Basically truly embracing me as I am, in the space I am. It's an ideal but it'll be nice to work towards it. Today, I also spent my day without makeup. This make up anxiety might seem ridiculous to many by when you are taught very young 'to put powder and be a lady', it become very important to be pleasing to the eye of others. This fear I have continues to irk me but its a journey of self acceptance. Also when talking about exercise, my new job has alot of walking and stair climbing packed into it, so hopefully some kind of cardio going in there.

I have this job and although it's not a career, I think it's time I stopped flaking on my commitments. I tend to that - be flimsy in my resolution to do things. I'm not going to do that any more. These are the moments that make up life so I cannot skip them just cause 'I don't feel like it'.

Hopefully, in the coming days, I can figure out what I can do as the big volunteer project.

For now,
Ju. out!

Alone.

I haven't blogged in a while.  This is is a really hard habit to keep. Makes me think, that we don't really talk to ourselves as much as we should. Well, bet ews I've had is that I'm only 19 lbs of excess fats. That's the part I need to get rid off. It was as a way lower amount that I envisioned When I first saw '30' next to the word 'fat', I immediately started to berate myself in my head. And then when the assessor explained it to me, I was both pleased and also ashamed. I am built differently yet I seek approval from a world that provides a narrow definition of beauty. I see this truth but accepting it has been a trial. I wear make up and I feel messy, I don't and I feel unworthy. It's strange. But I decided that I'm just gona look however I wish to and if that means that my damn eyeliner is smudged then so be it. I pick on myself that way I'd never want anyone to be picked on. I'm bullying myself.

This is all part of the journey for me. In my discovery of who I am, at every moment.  Not a picture of me that neve changes but one that grows and falls and fails and wins. And to be me at any exact moment even if I change the very next moment.

I also got a potential internship offer in SF and as much as it seems like a good opportunity, I know that I should be responsible and focus on what I have here. It's going to be hard letting go of the opportunity but I need to in order for me to keep my focus to earn some money. Big picture is made up of tiny pixels and I first need to make sure I have at least the important bits to make the big picture happen.

And finally, I realized how much I've become an introvert. I love the friends I have but it still feels immensely lonely.  And as much as I know people around me, in spirit and physically, shower me with varying degree of love, I feel that nobody could truly understand me. Or even if they do, they don't express it the way I do. Or just don't want to feel down so don't talk about it. It's a strange feeling. Like wanting to run in the desserts of Africa, or roam the busy streets of places I haven't heard of.  Like being invisible. I always wondered how a homeless person begging on the street feel when everyone walks on by without even a glance. I feel alittle invisible despite being the loudest. Or maybe the intensity of my thoughts and feelings, do not match my general demeanor and hey are often misunderstood.

I thought about and I think I like to be alone. I want to share my feelings of loss and uncertainty and pain, and also happiness and triumps with myself.  But to get the stage of being at peace with being alone, I need to make the transition through 'loneliness'. Nobody is ever going to fully feel the complexities of your emotions and thoughts entwined in a giant ball. And maybe that's how we are wires... messy and figuring it out with life.

We'll that is been the big news..now the challenge is to get my work going, my money coming in, and me figuring out where I want to go in life. For myself. Because we all have a journey and we all go on it alone. And by alone I have we have a support system without overly depending on it.

Because if I don't truly feel myself emotions and thoughts, I'm also going to want some else to feel them for me.

And that always ends up in a yearning so painful.

Crossing the threshold rep.

Today, I had a breakthrough.

A gym breakthrough. I took my my fat ass and completed 300 calories on the treadmill, and stopped only three time for 2 minutes each. I MADE IT! And then...and then... I completed three sets of arm exercise reps. My arms hurt like a bitch now and I, literally, burned a thousand calories. But I've crossed over the Godforesaken 'threshold rep'. That last bit of hurdle that stands between you and your goal. The 'I want to give up so much' stretches of time. I see myself only doing better.

PROOF!

On the food front, I was not too successful with the fruit cleanse. I do not know how people do that for days without trying to punch somebody in their throat. I was craving sweet, salty, sour and, even. bitter all at once! I swear halfway through my sets, I was imagining up a recipe for the leftover roasted chicken. Cleanses just seem to sap one of their will to live! While food is the reason for life! So unless I'm going for an intestinal endoscopy, I don't think I'm going to attempt another cleanse. What is worse is that I was craving more food than usual, so I start binging. This time round, however, I stopped myself. Did not over eat so that is a win.

Also, I'm proud to say that I spent a total of 5 bucks today so I'm feeling good about my financial choices. Of course, I paid my last phone bill so that sucks. buuuut it was necessary so I guess that's cool.

Well, I'm out. going to read some Archie comic. Slip into a good night sleep. And thank the Lord that I'm not the Roses in Schitts Creek.

Love Peace and Ice Cream!

Ju

Faltered like a flower

Yesterday, I faltered.

I spent unnecessarily. I ate out of my plan, although  did not overeat or anything. I procrastinated gym till it never happened. And I didn't blog.

I understand these things happen. However, this time round, no excuses. I am going to dust it off and today is a new day.

Attempting a fruit cleanse plus tons of water. Just today, to check on my discipline and to let out the water that seems to be retained within me. I've also felt my energy a little blocked of late. There seems to be a lack of flow, if I were to describe it without sounding like a complete hippie. I believe physically, I need to perspire more. And also get out of my room for a walk around town. I'm going to attempt to let air through my room but I'm afraid that the rats might make a quick entrance. We shall see.

Well today I have gym and some errands to get done. And of course, the fruit platter awaits.

Peace, Love and Ice cream (not today :( ..)

Ju

Little Wins in Little Moments

I have figured out my biggest hurdle -  Waking up in the morning without the push of an appointment. If I had somewhere to be, I am there, even if it means talking to my self into not flaking.

I flake on myself too much because I don't get bothered about my own approval. Make sense? Well, if I flaked on someone else, I might be a little bothered about the impression I'm creating with the person. But when it comes to me, I give myself all kinda excuses to cut myself some slacker slack. That kinda thing takes a toll, and sooner than you can say 'Memphis Minnie ' s BBQ got good ribs' (and they do!), you start losing respect for yourself, and that leads to alot of shaming and refusing to do dress-up cause you 'don't look no matter what you do'. Yup. I've been there.  I'm actually feeling a little like that now. But I'm glad I'm pushing myself by basically working on it moment by moment.

Like today. I wanted to give up ten minutes into my walk/run/jog/nearly - faint session on the treadmill but I push myself towards the end. I do feel a little disheartened because 7 weeks ago I could jog the 1/2 hour without stopping but little wins. I didn't make it through my abs exercise set because I didn't eat before my 3pm gym session because I woke up at noon. Now that's the part I really need to start talking (read: shouting in my mother's voice) at me. I'm making excuses for the times I was weak. Well tomorrow - I'm trying to be up and about at 6 am.  I did talk myself away from Starbucks and Safeway's read made food items, so money saved there.

Little Wins.

So target tomorrow:-
1. Wake up at 6 am and go for a jog
2. Spend nothing (unless it's bills of course)

I'm also trying to fill my time with volunteering. I know I always talk myself out if commitments or tryng at life for fear of awkwardness. But I have decided to adopt the clichéd, 'life is an adventure' mantra. Try everything. Although that IS in direct contrast to my diet plans. Might have to rethink my mantra. Calculated adventure? Hmmmm

Anyway, just to end this post off, I'd like to say that I saw a 'feel-good' movie that made me feel so fuzzy inside. And no... it's not the whitewashed 'Aloha'. It's Boy Meet Girl on Netflix. It's a story revolving a Transgendered girl that you just want to watch. Caitlyn Jenner would approve.

Ok good night.
Peace, love, and ice cream
Ju

Diet plan for the East, anyone?

You know what nobody talks about as a poor graduate student (or they do but not 'loud' enough), how difficult it is exactly to eat a decent meal without feeling guilt. Guilt about what I'm doing to my body and my wallet. And as a graduate student from Singapore, living in Vancouver, going from a SGD 4 substantial bowl of prawn noodles with a taste explosion to a 'cheap' CAD 6 bowl of pho that is missing half it's spices is a real heartbreaking shift. Why not cook at home, you ask? Well the simple economics of it is that getting the ingredients to cook for one person realistically can be likened to sawing my piggy bank unto half. Or I am not doing it right. And if I am not, by the time I figure it out, I would have graduated and gotten a real job.

So instead of lamenting about capitalism (because it always goes there eventually), I decided I shall get some basics - instant ramen, Safeway's Godsent full roasted chicken, whole wheat bread and two cans of Campbell  soup, Potatoes, and of course, spinach - Popeye played a pivotal role in my vegetable consumption. More importantly, I got a giant bottle of Adult multi vit chewable to last a year so I can get at least a decebt amount of the nutrients a grown adult requires to stay one short step away from malnutrition.

Side bar: Can nutritionist come up with diet plans and recipes for a population of people who grow up on their mama's green curry and papa's fried chicken? There's money to be made. Hell! India alone will make you rich. If I succeed in my journey, that shall be my product to the world. Beef rendang for the fit! #winner

Also at this juncture, I feel like I need to call out one of my bigger challenges - the Pavlovian effect of good smelling food on my mind. I need to learn to satisfy my cravings without compromising on dollar nor nutrition. So I'm looking at using more sauces, condiments in my ramen preparation. Also Subway seems to be a great way to go - cheap and pretty nutritious (debatable though).

Well so here is what I did today. 

I spent $30 on a week worth's of groceries, and of cos, a $6 Subway sandwich for lunch. I swayed away from buying unnecessary crap, and pulled my heartstrings away from a tall Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks. 

I also realised that if I do not exercise in the morning, first thing in the morning, I will procrastinate it till the next year. So I need to commit to daily morning exercises. 

So three things for tomorrow:

1. 2 hours of exercise is the first thing in the morning before any errand.

2. Spend little or nothing on food/drinks

3. Reach out to three more job opportunities. 

And I need to commit to chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Ko, so I'm going to do that after exercise. 

Out.

I am back... for therapy.

I am back. 

A quick check revealed that my last post was in 2011; 4 years ago. A lot of happened since my last post but I am not going to bother writing it here, because, well... who reads my blog anyway. My aspirations of being a famous blogger has been a bust since Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram became the way to seek fame. Let us not mention, Vine, Facebook, Pinterest... Being famous online is a full time job, and let's face it, I am not cut out for it. I do have all the apps on my smart phone so Step 1 is kinda there. It's the being 'fun' part and committing to it - THAT is really hard work.

So why am I back? Frankly, because I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom and I need someone to listen. And after a long time, at the ripe 'old' age of 30,  I have finally understood that that 'someone' should be me. I would have a paper (?) journal (a 'live' journal?) but my noncommittal nature refuses to give it more than two days worth of entries. Besides, thanks to grad school, I've learnt to type as fast as I speak. But wait, let us go back to the 'noncommital' part.

I have a huge issue with committing to things, and I suspect I am not the only one. Whether it's financial plan, time management, studying, or anything that creates a life for any human being. I give up so easily and, then, reminisce about the little wins and cringe at the myriad of regrets. I mean, I cannot even commit to eating right. All those fitness gurus are talking about awareness, and as a former mental skills trainer, I understand that awareness is key. But when that half a roasted chicken over bread soaked in chicken juice was placed in front of me, I , with a bountiful amount of awareness and regret, coupled with eloquent excuses, gobbled the fucking the thing up. I needed a damn painful bleeding gum to stop me from eating my shame. The best fad diet for me would be to have a clip at different parts of my body that will pinch itself if I even decide on that ice cream while trying to button my jeans, to avoid my tummy's great escape. Don't get me wrong, I am not upset about the weight. I am upset about my lack of discipline and control and all the other synonyms of those words that are just letters, and hold little meaning to me. That lack of control, and the rationalisation process (that constantly urges me to reconsider a career in law) that accompanies it ,is my problem. This blog is going to help me hold myself accountable. Basically, help me get a grip.

So where am I now? 

I am sitting here in my dungeon of a room with cardboard walls keeping me from the infestation of rats and other 'friends' that summer brings. Ok let me be honest, I am privileged and my room is a castle to some, but I am at rock bottom and everything looks a little darker to me now.
Due to generous nature and my love for all things that I cannot afford, my bank balance is losing weight faster than I am gaining mine. I am 30 years old, and as someone who is well pass her cultural 'marriageable' age, I should at least be making my own dough (cheese? cheddar?). But no. I decided to head back to grad school, and thus, rip my poor retiring parents of what could be their World Tour. I feel incredible horrible and get panic attacks thinking about it. My parents are amazing, and that just adds to it. I've spent beyond my means and now sitting in my room, uncertain if I'll be completing my graduate program. But I have my job, and my awareness, and hopefully another job. And of course, thank the Canadian Government for tax money.

Thus, No. 1 Getting financial dry.

I've already given you a picture of my feelings about my concerns with health.

So, No. 2 Clogging heart

No. 3 Straying from the plan.

This simple sentence creates the foundation of my problem. Some of the things I do that distracts me from my plans. Plans that I am proud of. Plans that have their own excel sheets and colour coded legends. Plans that area worth nothing without action. A simple example would be how yesterday I went to bed committed to be up at 6 am to go to gym. Simple? Not according to my smartphone which seems to seek constant validation from me. I wake up and spend the first two hours of my day checking out other people's accomplishments and building sandcastles too close to water. Also, if anyone liked my photos, because that is sooooo important to my self-esteem.
I am a teenager. 30 going back to 13.

So these are my issues. Don't worry, I'm not focusing too much on my negatives. My problem is that I focused too much on my positives and refused to move a muscle of any kind, to work on the areas of improvement.

This blog is my therapy. My way of slapping my self with the cold hard hand of reality. I need to wake up from my slump or all that I aspire for and worked hard for will tumble to the ground. I admit that I will slip at times and possibly stumble into the ice cream aisle of Safeway. But I will resist. Because, I am watching and reading and typing and learning about myself.

So let us begin. 
('us' in this case probably means my ID, EGO and SUPEREGO)