For now

I would like to start of this blog by letting out a burden from my chest;

It is unbelievable how immensely difficult it is to sign into this blog. I keep forgettin my sign-in email and furthermore, my password. And if i get my email right, but my damn password is somehow, GOD FORBID!, misspelt, it prompts that my EMAIL is wrong. So I search high and low wondering what the hell could be wrong?! Wrong information could lead to unnecessary frustration, leading to unbelievable amount of energy being drained.

Bottomline: I don't like computers!

But since there are a necessity to our day and age, I shall succumb and learn the treacherous art of using a computer. Bless me and wish me the luck and patience I would need. And my laptop would need.

Well I have alot going on with my life and since I do not regularly blog,it would probably take 3 hours for me to write all details down and 5 hours for you to read it (I included a hour nap time in between for you.).

I have been conducting the pract for PJC and TP touch team. And besides the nitty gritty details, there is a stark difference between the two teams. I may be stereotyping but from my observation, a college team seem less competitive and interested in the sport of touch rugby than a poly team.I suppose I did come up with some unsupported reasoning for these but I may be wrong:

1. JC team technically have only a year to put full commitement into a team sport such as Touch rugby, and this does not give enough time for the chemistry. Poly teams are given 3 years at the least, to compete.
2. The lack of important tournaments and leagues available to Junior Colleges. Poly teams have IVP, POL-ITE and NTL.If I am not mistaken, JC teams have only NTL and the pitiful handful of carnivals organised by TS.
3. The stress placed upon studies. JC team members are there to take their A levels and head to Uni. Maybe they feel that this sport is just a pass time.
4. The lack of emphasis on sports in JCs.

These are just hypothese derived from discussions with my friends from both polys and JCs. I think it's sad that only a handful of girls from JC actually commit to the game and the advancement of both themselves and the game. But when it comes to Contact Rugby, the JC boys are very much involved. Maybe because of the availability of numerous tournaments.

Oh well, I just think it's a little upsetting considering that many of the girls in PJC team alone have potential to be better players but lack the right environment; not to mention to restrictions placed upon them by the school.

Moving on from there, I have been doing some thinking. I know, 'so what else is new' ah? Well, you see, lately alot of questions have been swirling inside my head.

Am i capable of being a mental skills trainer? Do I impact people life? Have I achieved anything worth feelin proud of? What am I meant to do? What is the purpose of a person like me? Am I really funny or are people just laughing cause I look stupid? Am I really who i am? Do I look stupid? Am I ugly? Does it matter if I'm ugly? etc etc..

Well in simple terms, all my insecurities and paranoia kinda just came rushing out like a flash flood. There are normal to any human being but I don't think dismissing them is wise so I've been working through them. It's alil tough because some questions, I cannot find the answers, all I can say is ' Only God Knows', which I think is a convenient excuse/reasoning for anyone. Who dares question it anyway unless you're an atheist, but ,hey, that brings us to whole new different topic.

But one of the paranoia that is burnig inside of me is that am I capable of being loved and loving? I know it's insane to think such as I am considered to be wonderfully lovable.. haha.. I guess that's the only kinda praise I am gona get these days, Self-praise. But in all seriousness, I think my paranoia and my fear of being thrown as been stopping me from gettin fully involved in having any kind of relationship. Or maybe I am just being a lazy fuck!

It's just too darn tiring to re-introduce oneself and try to impress someone. Furthermore, I will have to take that extra effort to meet up and such. I know that this attitude is reserved for bums and jackasses but seriously, I am so fuckin lazy. But I guess I've got to try ya know? Cos well, the person might become someone significant , if not lover then maybe even a good friend. I might risk losing an important relationship if I don't put in the effort right?

Being one's own mental skills trainer is tiring. The other day I secretly wished I could teleport myself to a beautiful beach with loads of cigarettes, alcohol and good books. Let's not forget music! I don't mind beautiful people too but as long as I don't know anybody and don't need to talk to anybody.

Unless I am ordering a Whiskey Sour.

Not that I don't like my life but it can get alil tiring and I am afraid this is just the beginning. But it's exciting and It's what I want but everyone needs time alone. That's why I am seriosly considering staying home for New Yr. I know it sounds absurd to many but alil quiet without worrying about tomorrow as been a rare luxury for me.

Well tomorrow another day of Liberaldreamz, Work and School. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Oooo.. And Congrats to APPU and KIN on their new Jobs. One flies over the seas and the other flies through numbers. haha..

I hope I can really make it for the Genting trip with my cousins. It'll be a blast, i know for sure. And then I can have my time off with beautiful people.

Not to forget my Whiskey Sour.

Ju-outzz