The ROOM within.

ROOM.
A phenomenal movie filled to the brim with acting brilliance. A movie that that leaves you reeling with questions and explorations. A movie that demands for a re-evaluation of one self. A movie that looks at breaking the 'norms' and 'naturals' of the world. Well, it definitely was not CAROL, because it is not a disappointment. I am not a movie critic, and the number of stars that I put next to a movie's name lies solely in its ability to shift my value system, and make my world view shudder. and ROOM did that.

You see, we are all in a 'room';  one that encompasses all our learning and all our understanding of the world. It is within this metaphorical four walls that we lock ourselves within and make sense of the the world that exist within. As our mind explores, our body must move. We must see what is beyond that door, that yard, that border, that ocean. The mind of a human being is explorative and adventurous. Yet, we insist on a society that contains it within an invisible room. Then, of course is the questions of - when exploring, are we going beyond the room or simply expanding the room? 

Many people I know of simply widen the length and breadth of the room with the tools of knowledge, never truly carving a route out of the comfort of the associations they create between new and old information. Like a group of Singaporeans, travelling to India, but always sticking to one another exploring a foreign land, only through what they have already understood. Never breaking free from the herd and wandering through alleys, to meet with discomfort or danger.  However, on the flip side, one needs to also understand the room, exploring every nook and cranny. Because, this metaphorical room, with all the furnishings in it, represents our individual selves. The exquisitely detailed carvings on the wooden four post king-seized bed crafted by your mind may be a projection of your love for grandeur. That plain looking chair may be speaking of your disdain to be asked to sit in one place. Personally, I feel like I am yanked out of this room in my mind, and asked to create a whole new room. But in reality, it is the same room, shaken by shifts in the foundations of my world. It is disorganized and appears unfamiliar, whilst still maintaining a distinct identity that insists that it is truly my room.

It is time I started exploring this room for my own. I have explored outside of it, expanded it, and used the projections of others to define its place and properties. Alas, the time has come for me to look within, and for that I need to insist on developing my core power, and my reflecting on my actions. I need to explore how to create a bio-environment that intertwines my mind, body, and soul, so I can increase my self-awareness.

There has been conflict within me, between deciding to attend events to meet new people or to just reflect on my own. I will be open to opportunities to meet people, but my aim at the moment is to explore my inner world; to explore every bit of the room that I have created through learning and experiences.

Unlike in the ROOM, where they broke free from the room where they were held as hostages for years, I will return to my 'room'  and explore everything. Of course, always with the door open.

Privileged to feel discomfort.

I am typing away in the comfort of an apartment in San Francisco. It is afternoon and I have the luxury of stretching out on a couch transformed into a bed; with the drizzle from the clouds caressing the window panes. The fact that I had time to compose that sentence so poetically shows the surplus of time on my hand. I recognize the privilege I have but yet, I still feel the crawling itch of anxiety. And as such, I always turn to this blog - a therapeutic exercise that is mostly for me to self-evaluate.

Looking back, all that transpired in such a short period seem so surreal. I was settled in Vancouver, packed everything up over there, visited Singapore, and now looking to set roots in San Francisco all in a matter of 3 years. Through the goggles of a bystander watching me whizz through different parts of the world, I am referred to as being 'lucky'. And it is a description that I cannot deny; or rather one that I am not allowed to deny. Because to this outsider's point of view, I am fortunate enough to have the resources that help me convert my thought processes into reality. I have the solid and positive foundation in family and friends that gave me the boost that help me chase dreams. But the luck stops there. Because beyond luck is the unnerving decision to 'just go'; to take risks that I will always wonder about - the what ifs, the maybes, the why nots. I was born with the disease of wonderment; constantly questioning. And that has brought me to this couch in San Francisco.

I am now in a new place and my immediate instinct is to create a community that I can constantly surround myself with (read: hide myself in). However, this time, I am hoping to fight this instinct in order to grow. So I told myself that I will take this time to grow from within, to discover me, to find out what I truly feel when I am alone. And let me tell you this - the overwhelming feeling of restlessness is just the tip of the iceberg. I do have loved ones and friends here in San Francisco, so I am definitely not lonely. But, as weird as this sounds, I want to feel all the anxieties and regrets that bubble within me without the sound of television, radio, or conversations. So far, it has been a ton of feels. So much so that, only a short period of the day, I sit in complete silence, allowing the radio and/or Apple TV to distract me from my thoughts. Why does the right direction have to feel so uncomfortable? This article seems to help a little: - http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/12/16-uncomfortable-feelings-that-actually-indicate-youre-on-the-right-path/.

I am here also looking for a job, and as anyone who have relocated to look for jobs would know, that that experience fucking eats you up inside. There is a rush of energy that stems from being worried that makes me want to take up kickboxing, and then I realize that I have no money. Of course, well-intentioned people have patted my back and spoke words of encouragement; suggesting that, with my qualifications, I will most definitely get a job. But how the hell do they know that? I would definitely like to be referred to a study or research or person that can help me see the detailed reality of the situation. I wish I had the belief that others have in me. I really do. But when you have applied for a ton of jobs and feel your heart fall the way only rejections can impact you, it becomes a little discouraging. However, I did promise someone that I will approach this from a place of hope and excitement, so I shall attempt that with as much positivity as I can muster.

Maybe by getting more acquainted with my new environment, I will feel a renewed sense of hope; or maybe just distracted from my worry. I shall give it a shot. I mean I do not have much to lose, and I need to constantly remind myself that there are Syrian refugees who walk for days to lands so foreign to them, in order to escape death. So I should basically quit whining.

I don't really know why I am writing all of this here, but it just felt that I should write out my feelings before they start complicating my thoughts. Maybe I will have more, maybe this blog would help people like me in the future who are struggling with the feelings, maybe I can actually see that I am pretty lucky after all and I should stop complaining; we shall see. For now, I am going to look to Frasier to channel a sign from Mother Universe to help me chill the fuck out.

Coffee for one

Today I sat at Starbucks alone sipping on a tall Caramel Macchiato and savoring an slice of banana bread. This is an achievement for me.  I've always thought of myself as an extremely social creature who can be alone if she wants, but then who wants to especially when you have all these friends.  Phew, that was a long sentence.  But it helps distract me from the real issue at hand - the fact that I am not comfortable enough with my mind to spend time with myself. And lately I've been doing that with considerable amount of success; although in the beginnig I did get literal panic attacks when I realize my phone battery is too low for music & the sounds of the real world need to accompany me. I always needed to escape myself and my surrounding.  But today, for the most part of it, I drank my sweet milky coffee goodness and listened to the world. I even struck up a conversation with a fellow Starbucks supporter. Side note: I should get a Starbucks card to officially enter the cult.

I didn't exercise today but I ate moderately. My dress pants size shuffles between a 6 & a 8 depending on the cut, which still astonishes me. The sweet surprise to is not all about the weight loss but the achievement I felt as I becamd more of my body. It's a process that changes with time and space. The process of listening to my body, together with listening to my thoughts. Basically truly embracing me as I am, in the space I am. It's an ideal but it'll be nice to work towards it. Today, I also spent my day without makeup. This make up anxiety might seem ridiculous to many by when you are taught very young 'to put powder and be a lady', it become very important to be pleasing to the eye of others. This fear I have continues to irk me but its a journey of self acceptance. Also when talking about exercise, my new job has alot of walking and stair climbing packed into it, so hopefully some kind of cardio going in there.

I have this job and although it's not a career, I think it's time I stopped flaking on my commitments. I tend to that - be flimsy in my resolution to do things. I'm not going to do that any more. These are the moments that make up life so I cannot skip them just cause 'I don't feel like it'.

Hopefully, in the coming days, I can figure out what I can do as the big volunteer project.

For now,
Ju. out!

Alone.

I haven't blogged in a while.  This is is a really hard habit to keep. Makes me think, that we don't really talk to ourselves as much as we should. Well, bet ews I've had is that I'm only 19 lbs of excess fats. That's the part I need to get rid off. It was as a way lower amount that I envisioned When I first saw '30' next to the word 'fat', I immediately started to berate myself in my head. And then when the assessor explained it to me, I was both pleased and also ashamed. I am built differently yet I seek approval from a world that provides a narrow definition of beauty. I see this truth but accepting it has been a trial. I wear make up and I feel messy, I don't and I feel unworthy. It's strange. But I decided that I'm just gona look however I wish to and if that means that my damn eyeliner is smudged then so be it. I pick on myself that way I'd never want anyone to be picked on. I'm bullying myself.

This is all part of the journey for me. In my discovery of who I am, at every moment.  Not a picture of me that neve changes but one that grows and falls and fails and wins. And to be me at any exact moment even if I change the very next moment.

I also got a potential internship offer in SF and as much as it seems like a good opportunity, I know that I should be responsible and focus on what I have here. It's going to be hard letting go of the opportunity but I need to in order for me to keep my focus to earn some money. Big picture is made up of tiny pixels and I first need to make sure I have at least the important bits to make the big picture happen.

And finally, I realized how much I've become an introvert. I love the friends I have but it still feels immensely lonely.  And as much as I know people around me, in spirit and physically, shower me with varying degree of love, I feel that nobody could truly understand me. Or even if they do, they don't express it the way I do. Or just don't want to feel down so don't talk about it. It's a strange feeling. Like wanting to run in the desserts of Africa, or roam the busy streets of places I haven't heard of.  Like being invisible. I always wondered how a homeless person begging on the street feel when everyone walks on by without even a glance. I feel alittle invisible despite being the loudest. Or maybe the intensity of my thoughts and feelings, do not match my general demeanor and hey are often misunderstood.

I thought about and I think I like to be alone. I want to share my feelings of loss and uncertainty and pain, and also happiness and triumps with myself.  But to get the stage of being at peace with being alone, I need to make the transition through 'loneliness'. Nobody is ever going to fully feel the complexities of your emotions and thoughts entwined in a giant ball. And maybe that's how we are wires... messy and figuring it out with life.

We'll that is been the big news..now the challenge is to get my work going, my money coming in, and me figuring out where I want to go in life. For myself. Because we all have a journey and we all go on it alone. And by alone I have we have a support system without overly depending on it.

Because if I don't truly feel myself emotions and thoughts, I'm also going to want some else to feel them for me.

And that always ends up in a yearning so painful.